The Dunc Abides

34

 

 

“New shit has come to light, man!”

It might not seem like it, but I am really tired of talking about the Saints’ bounty scandal. Like every other fan, I wish it would just go away. But it seems to have the staying power of polyvinyl chloride, or government corruption. And it’s not because of people like me; it’s because of people like Jeff Duncan.

“What if the NFL is telling the truth?” Jeff writes in the Times-Picayune. ”What if the Saints had a bounty program in place, not only knew about it but fostered it, and then tried to cover it up when the NFL came knocking on their door? What if there is no conspiracy, just a concrete conclusion?”

Well gosh, Jeff, I dunno. What if the government really did take down the the World Trade Center? What if the moon landings were faked? What if I could reach up your ass and pull out a paisley unicorn? Some questions are more worth pursuing than others, I guess…and it all depends on the amount of reliable evidence. So you tell me. Did the Saints have a bounty program in place?

“According to Roger Goodell, the team—”

No, wait: let’s be clear. I’m not asking what Roger Goodell said about this. Did the Saints have a bounty program in place?

“Well all the evidence suggests—”

What evidence?

“Well, you know, the evidence. Uncovered by the NFL. According to—”

You’ve seen this evidence, then? You can report on it in a detailed manner?

“Well…no, see, that’s not how it works, man. It’s an internal investigation—”

I understand that, Jeff. What I’m struggling to understand is, why do you believe it just on the word of Roger Goodell?

“It’s not just Goodell, man. A former United States attorney and prosecutor, Mary—”

Excuse me again, but: that’s a qualification? She’s a former prosecutor, so we have to believe her? Jeff, did you ever cover news, or just sports? Besides which, the NFLPA has its own former prosecutor, so they just cancel each other out.

“But, but, but wait. Listen, listen to what she said, okay? She said

“… The evidence before the commissioner was quite clear, substantial and extensive. There is no secret here about the charges or the evidence of what happened.”

Jeff, you make my point for me. There is a secret here. I haven’t seen the evidence. You haven’t seen the evidence. Or if you have, you certainly haven’t reported it.

“But I have! I have seen it, man! I saw the tape of Gregg Williams before the 49ers game! I saw Anthony Hargrove celebrating after Favre hurt his ankle! And I know all about the allegations against Jonathan Vilma and—”

Allegations. Not evidence. Like if I said you were seen by several eyewitnesses dynamiting levees. That’s an allegation. Evidence is something a wee bit different from an allegation—something like a videotape of you actually planting dynamite in, you know, a levee. Or even a levee with a hole blown in it. So, where’s the blown levee in all of this? Where’s the hospital ward filled with football players who crossed paths with the Saints? Where are the records—or even eyewitness testimony—of actual money actually changing actual hands following actual injuries? Where, Jeff?

“Well, uh, in, in, in New York, you know, in the NFL head offices, Roger Goodell’s office. They’ve got all of it—”

All of what?

“The evidence!”

How do you know?

[Jeff shakes his head] “Look, man, this isn’t, like, a court of law, you know? We’re not obligated to stick to some, you know, evidentiary standard.”

You mean, we’re free to believe things based on no evidence at all?

“Yes! I mean, uh, uh, you know, man, you’re, like, putting words in my mouth that I didn’t say! The NFL has come up with, with…new shit has come to light, man! You know?”

All I know, Jeff, is that you’ve despised Sean Payton for years because he treats objects like reporters. To you, this is delicious comeuppance. You’re heavily invested in upholding the validity of claimed evidence that the NFL refuses to share even with the players union. So let me pose another question: what if the NFL isn’t telling the truth?

“Oh, come on, man. Like, every reporter covering this story knows the Saints are guilty. They all believe Roger Goodell is telling the truth. Don’t you believe in democracy, man?”

So all the reporters are on the same page with this?

“Exactly!”

Yeah, Jeff, well…sounds kinda like a conspiracy, doesn’t it? But never mind, never mind. Forget I brought it up. What’s your drink?

“White Russian, thanks. So, how’s the blog business?”

“Can I get a Pimm’s Cup?”

Shut the fuck up, Stu.

Posted by Himself in Media Malpractice | 34 comments

34 Comments

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  • GSO Saints FanMay 5, 2012 at 12:55 pm

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    The last line. I really REALLY like that one.

    I’m hoping it turns out that Gawdawfulsmell did fabricate this entire mess (not saying he did – but as you point out quite clearly, it’s just as valid a position as those that say “IT’S ALL TRUE!!! IT’S ALL TRUE!!!”), just so we can all serve turncoats like Stewie a big steaming plate of STFU, asshole.

    I don’t give a rat’s ass about those on the “outside”, let ‘em think whatever the hell they want…including the “press” (and ESPECIALLY douchebags like Jeff). They’ll just be comic relief as the Saints tear through the entire season and lift the Lombardi, all to the hue and cry of the oh-so-offended masses of holier-than-thou slope-foreheaded-nosepickers that eat the boogers laid in front of them by the league office and their lapdogs in the MSM.

    Back to Stewie: Personal message, you can call me all the names you want, you can try to get a rise out of me, but I’m just gonna IGNORE YOUR SORRY ASS, so waste all the effort and self-righteous indignation at me you wish. It’s your time, waste it as you see fit.

    …and since I can here:

    SEIN FEIN MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!

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    • stujo4May 5, 2012 at 5:35 pm

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      Fuck you, GSO.

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      • GSO Saints FanMay 5, 2012 at 7:06 pm

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        Someone get Stewie a Shirley Temple, I believe I’ve upset his delicate constitution.

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  • SaintsW1nMay 5, 2012 at 1:26 pm

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    “paisley unicorn” :-D

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  • Doc BoudinMay 5, 2012 at 1:34 pm

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    Okay, since I’m too lazy to check my cache, can someone tell me if the header has really changed back to “Who Dat Social Club?”

    And here’s the cup you wanted, Hisself.

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    • PhilistineMay 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

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      That’s Pimm’s cup – not Pimp’s cup.

      And, yes – we’re back in the Who Dat Social Club. Again. What day is it, anyway?

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      • Doc BoudinMay 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

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        Friday. Always Friday.

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    • cc58May 5, 2012 at 1:54 pm

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      All I’ve ever seen is Who Dat Social Club…and I cleared my cache!

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  • Dave CarielloMay 5, 2012 at 1:43 pm

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    While we’re piling on Duncan here, I guess nobody noticed the typo in the headline of his article…

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    • Dave CarielloMay 5, 2012 at 1:44 pm

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      Aww…crap. M-E, you gotta add a ‘Preview’ button!

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      • cc58May 5, 2012 at 1:55 pm

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        I’ve brought that up before. Good luck.

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      • HimselfMay 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

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        I know we need a preview, and we need a “new comments” color, and we need a color for “rec’d” comments. This commenting system simply doesn’t do those things. I had a preview plug-in, and it wound up screwing up my story editor. Programming sucks. But I fixed your photo.

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    • HansDatMay 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

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      but you can’t fault Jeff for that, it was either on-line editor Kevin Spain or some copyboy’s error.

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      • HansDatMay 5, 2012 at 9:03 pm

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        BTW, that was me, rec’ing my own comment – that’s one extraarea WDSC kicks CSC’s ass…being able to rec yourself in public…

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        • HimselfMay 5, 2012 at 9:43 pm

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          The whole point in coming here is to get rec’d.

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        • Doc BoudinMay 5, 2012 at 9:53 pm

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          I certainly hope you checked yo’self BEFORE you rec’d yo’self.

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          • HansDatMay 6, 2012 at 12:09 pm

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            yup – doubled my pleasure

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            • Doc BoudinMay 6, 2012 at 5:57 pm

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              Not sure I needed to know that, Hans…

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  • Dave CarielloMay 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

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    “The players would be wise to take the lead of the Saints’ coaches and administrators before them. Considering the evidence against them, they understood the frivolity of a legal battle and took their medicine.” – Jeff Duncan

    Apparently, Jeff got his hands on the NFL’s evidence.

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    • Doc BoudinMay 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

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      Well, I certainly hope Roger used Lysol on it after Jeff left.

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  • AcquiredPanicMay 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

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    Bravo Bravo
    /claps hands

    I think I’m gonna go ahead and read it a second time so I can giggle to myself just a little longer. All guys giggle sometimes right?

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  • AcquiredPanicMay 5, 2012 at 2:18 pm

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    Has anyone tweeted this link to him?

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  • HansDatMay 5, 2012 at 3:06 pm

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    We just need Walter to show up at Jeff’s house at night and ask him while his mother’s present and his Dad’s in the iron lung in the background:

    “Is this the evidence (your homework), Jeff?”

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  • stujo4May 6, 2012 at 2:27 pm

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    “The only ones talking are the conspiracy theorists.”

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    • GSO Saints FanMay 6, 2012 at 3:56 pm

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      You sure are talking a lot, Stewie….

      …so, who’s the conspiracy theorist again? :-)

      It’s just as likely that the conspirators are Gawdawfulsmell and the NFL as it is for the other side to be at this point. Again, this could all be cleared up in a matter of moments, but someone is refusing to do so…and is not refusal to provide an answer what we expect from a guilty party? The NFLPA has been asking for the evidence for weeks, and they keep getting the same evasive response. Note who is hiding evidence and who is requesting it, and you still have absolute faith the Gawdawfulsmell is on the up & up?

      What did Santa bring you for Christmas last year, Stewie-poo….and I hope the Easter Bunny gave you some.good candy….of course, that will eventually lead to a visit from the Tooth Fairy, if you don’t brush & floss well….

      Or to cut to the chase, and give you the short version: Stewie, shut the FUCK up, you annoying coprophagus pettifogger.

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      • stujo4May 6, 2012 at 4:09 pm

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        ha ha

        Jesus.

        Maybe if you went back to a 4 string bass, you could get some gigs. That actually paid. Just a suggestion.

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        • HimselfMay 6, 2012 at 5:05 pm

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          Well, I’m glad nobody is holding anything in. That would be unhealthy.

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          • AcquiredPanicMay 6, 2012 at 7:02 pm

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            Thought it kinda smelled funny in here….l

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            • Doc BoudinMay 6, 2012 at 9:24 pm

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              Somebody light a match!

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              • GSO Saints FanMay 7, 2012 at 7:15 am

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                With the methane levels in here right now, that may not be a good idea.

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            • GSO Saints FanMay 7, 2012 at 7:08 am

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              Well, diet can strongly affect the breath, if you’re a shit eater, you will almost certainly be a shit breather. Eat enough shit and you become so full of it you exude it from your pores and instantly stink up any room you walk into.

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          • GSO Saints FanMay 7, 2012 at 7:13 am

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            I’ve already got high blood pressure, I’ve found that releasing the stress of hearing/reading stupid by calling it out is quite effective at maintaining healthy diastolic and systolic numbers.

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            • Doc BoudinMay 7, 2012 at 5:59 pm

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              Sounds like catharsis to me…

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              • GSO Saints FanMay 7, 2012 at 10:39 pm

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                Certainly better than catheterization or catatonia…

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