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A native of Craiova, Romania, Mihail Lumescu studied the magic arts at the famed academy of Neagramanze in the foothills of the Carpathians, during which time he rallied the local inhabitants in their successful resistance to the black sorcerer Voladon Turok, then moved to Kansas, where he changed his name to Mickey Loomis, entered Wichita State University, and was bitten by a radioactive ferret, conferring on him the ability to track down Pro Bowl talent in its hidden burrow and sign it, frothing and squealing, to a three-year, $13 million dollar contract.

That's about all I can think of to explain this offseason.

This wasn't supposed to happen. The Saints were supposed to be buried under contracts they could no longer afford. This was to be the year our senescent dynasty slammed into a bridge abutment, leaving us salary cap quadriplegics, rolling our eyes helplessly while the Bucs and Panthers wheeled us over to the piranha tank and Thomas Dimitroff chuckled and preened his cat.

The last thing we were supposed to do was get better.

Of course, the big story this offseason has been: Bountygate. (Original name, isn't it? Way to go, media.) So the work that Loomis has done getting the Saints ready for when actual football takes over the headlines has kinda gotten lost in the shuffle. In fact, at this point, I'm almost ready to believe this whole Bountygate thing was arranged by Payton and Loomis to cover up what they were about to do. Because while everyone was mesmerized by Roger Goodell's dazzling display of asshattery (“He almost looks lifelike, Ethel!”), PayLoo have quietly put together our next Super Bowl team. And nobody noticed.

We re-signed Marques Colston. The media yawned. We lost Carl Nicks; and while the media was snickering "Told you so!" we replaced him with Ben Grubbs. The media tried to yawn and choked on its tongue. We lost Robert Meachem and Tracy Porter, and before the media could do anything we signed away Chris Chamberlain from the Rams, Curtis Lofton from the Falcons, and David Hawthorne from the Seahawks—an entire new linebacking corps. Plus Broderick Bunkley. Our offense is mainly intact, and our defense is vastly improved, and we haven't even been to the draft yet.

Oh, almost forgot: we also lost our genius defensive coordinator, who escaped just before the ship blew up (but the escape pod blew up, too, so that's okay). And all we did was replace him with someone better. Nothing up our sleeves.

Still, there's a few things I'd like to know. First, why isn't anyone talking about all this? Outside of a few diehard Saints fans, the accepted narrative for this offseason is that it's shaping up exactly how the media called it earlier—catastrophe, but by an order of magnitude worse. Yes, it's been highly entertaining, as Grandmaster Wang pointed out elsewhere (if your idea of entertainment is a lynch mob the size of a nation-state, bitches). But in terms of success or failure, all the annointed experts would have you believe that the Saints have some climbing to do before they even reach the bottom rung.

Except—isn't that Mickey up there? Waving? Damn, looks like him. So maybe Mickey ain't the only one trying some misdirection. The fact is, despite the media narrative, and especially considering the context of doom and destruction, this has to be one of the all-time great offseason performances by a general manager. Which brings us to the next question: how in the hell did Mickey do it?

Well, why are we surprised? This is the man who hired Sean Payton, acquired Drew Brees, traded for Jonathan Vilma. And lest you forget, last year was also supposed to be a difficult offseason, and all we did was make a serious run at a championship. While other teams flounder and fizzle and decompose, the Saints just keep shifting into higher gears. (This is the Saints we're talking about? Yeah, I can't get used to it, either.) Everyone talks about "the business end" of professional sports like it's something necessary but lamentable…but it's our superiority at the business end that has turned the Saints from lame jokes into The Most Dangerous Team In The League. And there doesn't seem to be any sort of natural limit to it…until, that is, Mickey retires. He's the Drew Brees of the front office. I wish I could buy his jersey, because after watching this whole magic act I'm ready to believe Mickey Loomis could juggle rabid hyenas while shaving.

Which brings us, finally, to the biggest question of all: Could it all be an illusion? Because there is still that elephant on the stage, the one named Ch. Drew Brees' Contract Impasse, and the grand finale of Mickey's act will be to make it disappear. In fact, if the finale doesn't come off, the rest of the show will be seen as nothing but a bunch of lame card tricks. Let's face it: we came to not see the elephant. And it does worry me that maybe the reason Mickey is able to make all these bold moves is because he knows exactly how much money he's going to spend this season—and he only knows that because he has no intention of negotiating a new contract for Brees. The franchise tag figure is already plugged into the equation, and that's the way it is. That has me nervous.

But then I have to ask myself: why? This show isn't nearly over—in fact, it hasn't even reached the second act yet—and so far it's been epic. What the hell else can this team possibly do this offseason…hire Bill Parcells? And having come this far, how is it that some fans (like me) have so little faith that Mickey knows what he's doing, that everything is under control? The plan is unfolding according to plan. And part of that plan is to make it all look like a failure for as long as possible.

I don't know. But if this is what failure looks like, I want to know if I can find it on Amazon. I want more.

Posted by Himself in Free Agency, Mickey Loomis, Sheer Awesomeness | 23 comments

23 Comments

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  • Dave CarielloApril 9, 2012 at 11:27 pm

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    FIRST!!!!

    Great job, M-E! Your visual acumen and photoshop skills have made Who Dat Social Club easily the most aesthetically pleasing Saints blog on the net. The writing is pretty good, too. 

    I look forward to reading your thoughts and opinions for years to come about the greatest NFL team to ever grace the turf. All the best!
    Who Dat!?

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    • HimselfApril 10, 2012 at 12:22 am

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      M-E? Himself knows no M-E. Who is this M-E of whom you speak?

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      • AcquiredPanicApril 10, 2012 at 4:24 pm

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        Maybe we need to come up with a symbol you can identify yourself with or maybe just……"The Blogger Formerly Known as ____________" 

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  • GSO Saints FanApril 10, 2012 at 4:31 am

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    Interesting….I think I will like it here…it reminds me of an Irish pub I once visited in Asheville, NC….

    ‘grats on the new digs, M-E…coughcoughcough….I mean Himself.

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  • Alex SwiftApril 10, 2012 at 11:01 am

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    Great job good sir. Loomis certainly has been a salary cap sorcerer this year. I think that our greatest asset this year will be that nobody will expect us to do well. Payton gone for a year? Well, they're probably just going to take the year off. Super Bowl 47, here we come!

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  • B_Robichaux31April 10, 2012 at 12:59 pm

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    Nice work M-E,  count me in as a regular here.  Dave will just have to learn to share lol ;-)

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  • AcquiredPanicApril 10, 2012 at 1:47 pm

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    Do I still have to use a * when I say f***?

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    • HimselfApril 10, 2012 at 2:14 pm

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      When you write your comments, you should imagine you're addressing your grandmother. And your grandmother is drunk on her ass and very pissed off. In other words, fuck asterkis…asterikses…those star-shaped fuckers.

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      • AcquiredPanicApril 10, 2012 at 2:43 pm

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        I think I'll rather fucking like it over here ;)

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  • The Angry Who DatApril 10, 2012 at 4:08 pm

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    Are you @TheWhoDatSC on twitter?
    That header is fucking unbelievable

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    • HimselfApril 10, 2012 at 4:18 pm

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      Nah. Not me. You've been through this, you probably realize how tough it is to find a usable name that's not already taken. Turns out (and I didn't realize this until too late) it's not enough to simply find a domain name now…you also have to make sure there isn't a Twitter group or a Facebook group or a Blogspot site with the same name. I didn't do that…but decided, to hell with it. I'm the one who shelled out money, so now the name is mine, mine damn it!

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  • mattchewApril 10, 2012 at 4:28 pm

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    Eleventh!!
    Stumbled into this place while visiting from across the pond,looks like a friendly
    enough place. Good luck in your new venture or if you prefer , break a leg.
    * no cash incentives were offered with my last comment.

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  • The Angry Who DatApril 10, 2012 at 4:34 pm

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    LOL I hear you.  I did the same thing - I was just lucky that everything was available.  I started on blogspot and hated it within days, but they wouldn't let me take my domain with me.  So I had to add a "the".
    So, yeah, I get where you're coming from.  I had to compete with myself for a domain name.  

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  • cc58April 10, 2012 at 2:22 pm

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    • HimselfApril 10, 2012 at 6:27 pm

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      I wish I knew what you were trying to do…I'd really like to help.

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      • philistineApril 11, 2012 at 2:43 am

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        He's shy.

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  • Doc BoudinApril 10, 2012 at 7:57 pm

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    Love what you've done with the place!  I just hope you've got cheese fries.  Some fine writin' there, Hisself–you're off to a helluva start.  I really appreciate the artwork, too (the doctors always told me I was borderline artistic).  You remind me of a young MtnExile in his prime.  Now where's the trough? 

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    • HimselfApril 10, 2012 at 8:08 pm

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      I've got cheese fries. They're really good, too. And they contain special pheremones that make me irresistible to Rita. I'll let you know how they work.

      Oh, I'm sorry…you meant do we serve cheese fries? No, silly.

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      • Doc BoudinApril 10, 2012 at 9:21 pm

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        No cheese fries?!  Fine.  And since you apparently don't have a trough either, I'm just going to have to go pee in the corner.

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        • Doc BoudinApril 10, 2012 at 10:58 pm

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          Mrs Boudin just reminded me that the corner is actually in her house.  So I'm having to hold it.  I hope you're happy. 

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  • Doc BoudinApril 10, 2012 at 11:13 pm

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    One more try to post an image..

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  • Just Nother DayApril 11, 2012 at 2:36 am

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    When addressing you do I call you Himself or Yourself.  
    This is a new blog for me and I'm scared.

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    • HimselfApril 11, 2012 at 9:01 am

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      Gone native? Relax, if you get it wrong you don't have to kill yourself. Everyone else seems to be referring to me as ME, which really confuses things.

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