Roger Knows Best: Episode 12

6

 

 

INT. ANDERSON FRONT HALLWAY – NIGHT

MEDIUM SHOT     FRONT DOOR

We hear the doorbell ring and Roger walks into the scene. He opens the door to reveal a uniformed policeman (Officer Hummel).

OFFICER HUMMEL
Mr. Anderson? Hi, Jack Hummel, remember me? Three years ago? We nabbed your son Bud after he walked out of the Quickee Mart with a can of Colt 45 stuffed under his sweater?

ROGER
Oh yes, I remember you, all right. How could I ever forget a thing like that? Is there anything I can do for you now, Officer Hummel?

OFFICER HUMMEL
I’m afraid there is, Mr. Anderson. We think Bud’s been at it again- -

ROGER
Oh, no, no. That’s not possible. See, I gave Bud a very stern talking to. I told him in no uncertain terms that if I caught him doing anything of the sort again, I’d be very, very angry with him. Why, I even forbid him to ever again go to the Quickee Mart- -

OFFICER HUMMEL
See, that’s the thing, Mr. Anderson. Bud was seen leaving the Quickee Mart this afternoon. We’ve got witnesses who swear it was him. What’s more, we believe it to be part of an ongoing pattern going back as far as the first incident.

ROGER
Oh dear. That doesn’t sound good.

OFFICER HUMMEL
You bet it doesn’t! This is what we in law enforcement call an “m.o.” That’s police lingo. It means he’s guilty, Mr. Anderson. No question. Case closed. I think you’d better call your son.

ROGER
Yes, I think so too.
(calls up the stairs)
Bud? Can you come on down here, son?

BUD’S VOICE (O.S.)
Coming, dad!

ROGER
Maybe we’d better sit down, officer.

THE LIVING ROOM

Roger and Officer Hummel enter. Roger sits on the sofa, Officer Hummel on a chair. Bud enters.

BUD
You wanted to see me, Dad?

ROGER
Yes, Bud. This is Officer Hummel. You remember him, don’t you.

Bud glances at Officer Hummel, and as recognition dawns his eyes gre now wide.

BUD
Oh – - yeah, hi Officer Hummel. Uh – - what’s new?

ROGER
I’ll tell you what’s new, Bud. Officer Hummel tells me you were seen leaving the Quickee Mart this afternoon.

BUD
Golly, dad, you told me never to go there again.

ROGER
I know, son. And somehow I get the feeling you didn’t think I was serious. Just exactly what were you doing there, Bud?

BUD
But I didn’t go inside, dad, honest. I just cut across the parking lot ’cause it was shorter than going around on the sidewalk.
(turns to Officer Hummel)
You know what I mean, don’t you?

OFFICER HUMMEL
I’m afraid I don’t, Bud. All I know is that Mrs. Childress told me she saw you coming out of the door with a can of beer under your sweater.

BUD
But…golly, Officer Hummel, it’s summertime. I wasn’t wearing a sweater today. It would make me sweat!

ROGER
Bud, this will go much harder on you if you lie to me.

BUD
But I’m not lying, dad, honest! Mrs. Childress must have seen someone who looks like me. Or looks like my sweater. Or something.

Officer Hummel reaches inside his pocket and pulls out can of Colt 45.

OFFICER HUMMEL
Bud, is this the can of Colt 45 you stole from the Quickee Mart today?

BUD
Well, golly, Officer Hummel, how could it be?

OFFICER HUMMEL
You mean you stole a different can?

BUD
No! I didn’t steal any can!

OFFICER HUMMEL
Bud, this here is what we in the law enforcement trade call physical evidence, and that’s the best kind. This is proof positive that you stole other cans, too. Going back a long way.

BUD
But it’s just one can!

ROGER
Son, I think it’s well-established now that you not only stole this can of beer today, but you’ve been stealing beer from the Quickee Mart for the past three years.

BUD
But dad! Don’t you believe me?

OFFICER HUMMEL
It’s not just me saying this, Bud. I have eyewitness testimony from Mr. Cerullo- -

BUD
I thought you said Mrs. Childress ratted me out.

ROGER
(sternly)
Bud! Watch your language, son.

OFFICER HUMMEL
An honest mistake. I meant Mr. Cerullo. In fact, he wrote it all down, which makes it documentary evidence. That’s the best kind. Now son, tell me about this sweater you were wearing. It was black and gold, right?

BUD
I wasn’t wearing any sweater!

OFFICER HUMMEL
But you do own a sweater, don’t you?

BUD
Well…well, golly, yes sir, I have a bunch of sweaters.

OFFICER HUMMEL
Which one is your favorite?

BUD
I guess the one I got for Christmas from my mom’s Aunt Mabel- -

OFFICER HUMMEL
And it’s black and gold, right?

BUD
No, it’s red and green.

OFFICER HUMMEL
In other words, it’s two-toned. Just like Mrs. Childress said. And did you know we have her on tape saying this, Bud? On tape. You know what that means, don’t you?

BUD
(miserably)
That it’s documentary evidence?

OFFICER HUMMEL
No, Bud, it’s witness testimony. The best kind. And you know who else we have on tape? You, Bud. You and your friend Fred, and you were both talking about stealing beer from the Quickee Mart.

ROGER
No!

OFFICER HUMMEL
I’m afraid so, Mr. Anderson. Officer Pamphilon made a copy for me, and I’d like you to listen to it.

Officer Hummel pulls a small cassette recorder from his other pocket and places it on the coffee table.

BUD
Golly, what’s that thing?

OFFICER HUMMEL
It’s called an “anachronism,” Bud. And wait till you hear what it has to say.

Officer Hummel leans forward and presses a button. Recorded voices begin to issue from the anachronism.

“What do you feel like doing?”
“Oh, I dunno. How about you?”
“I know: let’s go listen to some 45s.”
“Okay. You know who has a really good selection? The Quickee Mart.”
“Gee, I don’t know. I could get in a lot of trouble.”
“Oh, come on Bud. Don’t be such a fucking pansy. Are you going to let that fuckstick of a father push you around like that? You got to defend your turf, Bud! Was me, I’d whack the motherfucker.”
“Gee, Fred, I can’t do that!”
“Kill the head, Bud! Kill the fucking head- -”

This time Roger leans forward and slaps the button on the anachronism. Rather forcefully.

ROGER
Jesus Christ on a cracker, Bud!

OFFICER HUMMEL
Sorry, Mr. Anderson. I should have warned you about the language.

ROGER
It’s not the language! Well, it is the language, too, but…they were talking about killing me!

BUD
Fred didn’t mean it, dad! That’s just the way he talks!

ROGER
Well, he’s never going to talk like that around here ever again. He is banned from this house, do you hear me? And as for you, young man: I heard plain as day you and Fred planning to steal Colt 45s from the Quickee Mart and murder your father!

BUD
No, dad! “45s!” You know, like, records. Singles. What they listened to before they had anachronisms. And we didn’t go to the Quickee Mart, we just talked about it! And nobody takes Fred seriously when he talks like that…it’s just, well, kinda motivational, if you know what I mean.

ROGER
I know what I heard, son, and I am deeply, deeply concerned. I’m afraid that for the sake of the entire family, I’m going to have to make an example of you. Bud, I’m sending you to your room without dinner, for a year.

BUD
But dad!

ROGER
After the year is up we’ll talk about it again and decide then if you should have any dinner or not.

BUD
Holy cow!

Bud storms off, looking upset. We can hear him stomping up the staircase.

OFFICER HUMMEL
I think you’re doing the right thing, Mr. Anderson. Something like this, you have to nip it in the bud. Nip it!

ROGER
Isn’t that another anachronism?

OFFICER HUMMEL
Why no, Mr. Anderson: it’s an incongruity. Now I think I’d best be leaving. We’ve got this little murder conspiracy straightened out, and I think the best thing now is for everyone to get over it. For the good of everyone, it’s time to move on.

ROGER
You may be right…though it may take awhile for Bud to get over it.

OFFICER HUMMEL
That boy is a rogue amoeba, Mr. Anderson.

ROGER
A what?

OFFICER HUMMEL
A naive lapdog. A daydream believer.

ROGER
That sounds like an incongruity.

OFFICER HUMMEL
Well, you’d know best.

ROGER
That’s right, Officer Hummel. I always do.

He leans back in his chair, laughing along with Officer Hummel, and we

FADE OUT.

THE END

Posted by Himself in Bountygate, My Lord Goodell, Silly Shit | 6 comments

6 Comments

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  • David KellyJune 22, 2012 at 10:37 am

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    EPIC! Fucking monumentally EPIC! “Mrs. Childress!” LMAO!

    I especially like the old-style typewriter font!

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  • The Angry Who DatJune 22, 2012 at 10:44 am

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  • FriarBobJune 22, 2012 at 11:18 am

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    AWE. SOME.

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  • Dave CarielloJune 22, 2012 at 11:41 am

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    Did you get fired from your job? You shouldn’t have this much free time to write something so brilliant.

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  • Dan KellyJune 22, 2012 at 11:46 am

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    Fan.freakin.tastic!!

    (I too admired the font/presentation. It must have taken you a long time to do all that formatting.)

    I loved… “I’m sending you to your room without dinner, for a year.”

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  • Doc BoudinJune 23, 2012 at 11:03 am

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    You have talent, sir.

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