Prepare To Die



Amid all the hoopla and celebration centering on the Saints' offense and its record-setting performance against the Cowboys, the real story is getting lost: Rob Ryan's defense had its official coming out party, and they killed.


The dick-headed man is, of course, Jerry Jones, the biggest putz in the NFL, who is apparently doing his utmost to copy the career—in an accelerated fashion and at a much lower level—of Al Davis. He entered the pathetic dementia victim stage around 2006, when he let Sean Payton get away from Dallas and build a Super Bowl winner from scratch in New Orleans.

And, to be fair, Jones didn’t really kill Rob Ryan’s career…he only derailed it for about five minutes. But in one of the most sublime developments in recent years, the kind of occurence that makes you understand how irony is the secret language of angels, it was Jones and his Dallas Cowpukes* who gave Ryan the opportunity to demonstrate in the most dramatic possible terms that the problem in Big D last year wasn’t the defense. It was the character of Jerry’s team.

And the way the Saints won would have been booed if it hadn’t been, you know, actually real. The established media loves harping on the Saints’ 2012 defense, “the worst defense in the history of ever.” (Actually, it wasn’t, but that’s a different story.) Ryan, on the other hand, had a top-ten unit until injuries derailed the season and they sank all the way to 19th. (Remember that number.) The Saints would have entertained clients under bridges to have the 19th-ranked defense, but Jerry Jones wasn’t satisfied: he made Rob Ryan the scapegoat for the lost season and fired him. (Well, what was he to do? Get rid of offensive genius Jason Garrett, the Sean Payton simulacrum he made out of popsicle sticks and mucilage? Never! Being Jerry Jones means never having to say “This fucking mucilage won’t stick!”)

So Ryan came to New Orleans, to take over a genuinely bad defense, while anointed savior Monte Kiffen transformed the Cowboys into the next NFL dynasty. And both teams met in the Superdome to compare notes. When it was over, the Cowboys had been anally raped.

In the celebration that ensued, most reporters gave the defense short shrift. The offense turned in a performance for the ages—according to ESPN, it was the most dominant offensive performance since they began using their patented, double-secret algorithmic superstat, “Expected Points Added,” in 2006 (coincidentally, when Sean Payton took over in New Orleans, ushering in an offensive era that needs its own superstats). The Saints set a team record for most yards in a single game: 625, more than any other team since 1982. They set an NFL record for most first downs: 40. They had 39 firsts late in the fourth, when they faced a 4th and 5, went for it, and got it. They could do no wrong. Mark Ingram—y’all remember him?—ran roughshod around, through, and over (!) the Cowboys, looking as though he were back playing in Tuscaloosa for Nick Saban against Tennessee-Chattanooga.

But almost lost in all this was the fact that the Cowboys gave up all those records. In a very real sense, if only for one game, the Cowboys’ defense took over from the Saints as the worst in NFL history.

And Rob Ryan? How did he do against his old team? Try this: the Cowboys entered the game with the NFL’s 8th-ranked offense. They left ranked—drum roll, please—19th! (And the angels sing.) Tony Romo had averaged 283 passing yards a game; he left the Superdome with 128. Dez Bryant caught one pass; Jason Witten snagged two. Demarco Murray had a pretty good first half, while the Saints were busy concentrating on stopping the pass. He rushed for 80 yards and a touchdown on 11 carries. After halftime, New Orleans was so dominant that Murray had only 5 carries for 9 yards.

The Saints—last year, the sorriest defense in the history of ever—are currently ranked #7. San Francisco holds the #6 spot by less than a single yard per game. And the Cowboys? Monte Kiffen’s crew is ranked 32nd. With virtually the same players, and fighting the same problems as last year, Kiffen has plunged his unit into the dumpster and set fire to it.

And Ryan? He bought a round of drinks at Ms. Mae’s.

Everyone expected the Saints’ offense to be hitting on all cylinders and riding fast and smooth by this point in the season. As for the defense, we hoped it could rise to the middle of the pack. I myself predicted that they’d be top-ten, but only for the first, easy part of the schedule. Well, we’re beyond the halfway point now, and Ryan’s guys keep rising and rising. After last year, they had no place to go but up…but Rob Ryan has installed an express elevator. To New Jersey.

* To any Cowboys fans who happen to be reading this blog. First: what the hell are you doing here, of all places? And second, don’t let your hackles rise at the characterization of “Cowpukes.” You know it’s true. And it’s not aimed at you, or even at the team, really: it’s aimed squarely at Jerry Jones, who took your team’s reputation and turned it into toilet paper. The Cowboys will never cease to be the butt of jokes until Jones is gone from the scene. Don’t blame me: I’m just the messenger.

Posted by Himself in 2013 Season, Game Day | 12 comments


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  • Saint ChristopherNovember 13, 2013 at 5:07 pm

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    Yo, I’m happy for ya, and I’mma let you finish…

    But the Cowboys had one of the worst defensive lines of all time.

    And secondary, also.

    But enough channeling Kanye…

    I am anxiously waiting to see how this positive moment translates into the next stretch of the season. I expected a win against the Cowboys, and, let’s face it, with all the injuries plaguing “America’s team,” this SHOULD have been an easy win.

    Our offensive line looked really good over all, but I do seem to remember that early on (before the ‘Boys’ spirit was broken, set afire, and pissed upon), they were able to successfully harass Brees for a while.

    Our run game (read “Ingram”) also looked amazing. But, again, how much of this is Ingram emerging from his cocoon and blossoming into the beautiful butterfly we all hoped he would be–or how much of this is that the Cowboys are simply that bad.

    On a related note, I am expecting a win against the Niners next week. Maybe that game will be a better gauge of who this Saints team really is…

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  • Breesus Christ SuperstarNovember 14, 2013 at 7:34 am

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    This is the kind of game I expect when I hear the phrase Sean Payton Revenge Tour.

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  • HimselfNovember 14, 2013 at 8:02 am

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    This just in:

    Jones is not satisfied specifically with the way receiver Dez Bryant is being utilized. Bryant has 52 catches for 749 yards and eight touchdowns this season but was targeted only twice against the Saints, who double-teamed him on a consistent basis.

    “We need to get him the ball more,” Jones said. “I think that’s the kind of thing that’s a reasonable thing that you can adjust over a two-week period that we’re going into with our bye week. How do we work to get him the ball more?”


    Jerry Jones is a toxic clown. The entire NFL realizes that the Cowboys’ offense runs through Dez Bryant, and that if you take him out of the game Dallas is helpless. Two escapees from the gulag in Tarrant County just proved as much on prime-time television. So what does Jones do?

    He doubles down. Rather than saying, “We need to diversify the offense, so that teams can’t beat us just by stopping one guy,” he says, “We need one guy to stop being stopped.” Somehow. Wishing will make it so, I guess.

    Good luck with that, Jerry.

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  • arcjonesNovember 14, 2013 at 2:07 pm

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    You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – The most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line” said jerry jones to no one before the game

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    • FriarBobNovember 14, 2013 at 6:10 pm

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      You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

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  • FriarBobNovember 18, 2013 at 6:29 pm

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    Well since you haven’t gotten around to posting the new post, I’ll have to leave my comments here.

    I fully understand Niner’s Nation not wanting to accept that the roughing the passer call was 100% correct. (It was. Hell even the NFL publicly admitted it. So either we have a MAJOR coverup going on, which given this is the NFL we’re talking about can’t be totally ruled out, or it actually was the correct call. I’ll come back to why option 2 is the truth later, let’s move on for now.) I can understand. I even sympathize. There were a TON of putrid calls last year that really pissed me off. Some of them were even right, and I just didn’t want to admit it. Especially not in the heat of the moment. And some I still don’t want to admit were right. (Of course, some actually weren’t, like that bull-crap PI in week 1 on fourth-down. But that was also the scab refs, so… meh.)

    I less agree with idiots like Frank Schwabbie-pants trying to pretend it wasn’t the right call. I realize his job as a blogger is to drum up page views, not necessarily to inform people. But he’s also supposed to be a professional, rather than a shill for 49er fans.

    And I really got annoyed that Harbaugh didn’t get ejected for cursing at the refs. Especially after the blatant hypocrisy of his complaining about “lesser” protection from LEGAL hits on his QB earlier in the year, then screaming obvious obscenities at the refs after an illegal hit on the opposing QB. That should have been ANOTHER 15 yards (I’m pretty sure you can have two fouls add up like that if one is a live-action and one is a dead-ball foul) and an ejection for the coach. (And if Sean can be fined for mildly criticizing the refs for missing an offsides penalty that cost us a game when the call was ACTUALLY WRONG, Harbaugh should be flat-out suspended for cursing out the refs on a call that was actually right.)

    But frankly, I am most disappointed in Saintsational actually giving three milliseconds credence to the notion that it wasn’t an illegal hit. It doesn’t matter if you are hit in the shoulder first. (And, by the way, he was. Roughly the top 1/2 inch of the shoulders, but it was the shoulders. And by about 3/10th of a second before the neck and head were clobbered like somebody trying to beat somebody to death with a club. But he was, technically speaking, hit in the shoulder first.) It literally does. not. matter. Not even 0.00001% matter. Does not matter ONE BIT AT ALL. For many reasons. One, and least important, was the forcible blow to the helmet occurred with the shoulderpad milliseconds later. That alone would be enough to make it illegal all by itself, forcible contact to the head is ALSO illegal. Two, the clothesline tackle hasn’t been legal for something like 30+ years. But most importantly it’s simply illegal to hit ANY quarterback in the head OR neck area. Which means you HAVE to hit him in the chest, waist, or upper thigh. The shoulders are not actually included in that list of legal strike zones. Brooks didn’t hit Brees in the chest, despite Kaep and Harbaugh lying their butts off on live TV trying to claim he did. Even the upper arm would have been legal. But he didn’t hit him there either. He hit him on the absolute top-edge of the shoulders and followed through with continued contact to the neck and head.

    That list of legal targets makes a pretty big strike area, by the way. Baseball pitchers have to throw a small ball at high speed aiming to hit an area about 1/4 as big from like 50 feet away… and they have to do it 50+ times per game or get benched. Brooks had only once chance, granted, but he didn’t even bother to bend his waist more than a miniscule fraction to try to make sure he was making a legal blow. Plus he didn’t have to throw anything, which means even 1 second before contact he could have ducked and gone for the arm/chest and been perfectly legal. He could have and should have and HAD to know he was supposed to… and he did. not. do. it. He went for Drew’s head the same way foulclown Moore goes for people’s heads (apparently deliberately), the same way Donte Whitner goes for people’s heads (almost certainly deliberately), the way a lot of dirty players go for cheap-shots on opponents and hope the refs miss it. Well they didn’t miss this one buddy and you flat-out 100% deserved your penalty. You also deserve a fine and maybe even a suspension for it. And if that means the “refs gave the Saints the game” — which arguably is actually true — that was ALSO a deserved penalty for such a cheapshot bull-crap play.

    That kind of cheap-shot bull-crap play has no place in LEGAL football. (And neither does calling a correct call BS have any place in that either. Brooks himself should ALSO be suspended for allowing himself to be quoted as cursing the refs for making a correct call.) I’d be at least very unhappy and possibly even outright furious if that kind of crap happened to ANY QB. Even ones I dislike. Even Ben Rapistburger doesn’t deserve that crap… and that’s assuming the nickname is true, which isn’t actually proven. Hell if we’d done that to Kaep — as much as I dislike him and am REALLY sick of the slobbering over him by certain lunatics in the NFL media — I’d be calling for a suspension for the player who made the hit!! That kind of bull-crap cheapshot play has NO place in the modern NFL. It shouldn’t have ever even existed in the 1950s NFL. And it’s time and past time for it to be gone from today’s NFL.

    And for the idiots who say it’s becoming flag football and whine about it… bite me. Take a one-way trip back to the 200s and go enjoy people dying for your entertainment at the Roman Colosseum. Don’t destroy the best sport on the planet because you miss having the opportunity to watch gladiators die for your entertainment.

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    • HimselfNovember 18, 2013 at 7:20 pm

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      Well. Talk about pre-empting the next post…

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      • FriarBobNovember 18, 2013 at 9:40 pm

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        Feel free to reuse anything you want. Or quote. Or make me your guest post for the week. Whatever works for you.

        I just had to vent and I refuse to re-register on CSC and deal with jackasses like Stu. Tho I have to admit, if a jackass SOB just HAS to be allowed onto a site to annoy the fans of a particular team, it doesn’t exactly break my heart to find out he was mixing it up with the fartywhiner fans in their postgame thread. Would rather he just wasn’t a jackass, but if he refuses to grow up, at least he’s found other targets than just Saints fans.

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        • HimselfNovember 18, 2013 at 10:02 pm

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          Well, I wish I knew what you were talking about, but I can’t even view the comments over there unless I want to use a browser that shows the site in all its glorious living obnoxiousness. I miss Dave and (most of) the community, but I don’t miss SBNation one fucking bit.

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          • FriarBobNovember 18, 2013 at 10:09 pm

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            I rarely read (many of) the comments either. (Yes, I realize there’s a difference between don’t and can’t, but we still don’t read a hugely different number of them.) And I don’t miss SBNation either, nor do I like one bit their putrid “new & improved” design.

            But I will admit I’m curious as to what browsers you use on what OS. Because all I have to do to avoid the worst of their crap is use firefox or chrome with AdBlock Plus installed (and, of course, configured to RE-disable the stupid “allow unobtrusive advertising” nonsense… I mean, get real, idiots, if I wanted to view ads, would I bother to install an ad-blocker!?!? duh!!!) plus of course DoNotTrackMe from Albine. But I am also using Windows 7 Pro. Which admittedly is not the best OS on the planet, but as a .Net programmer I’m not exactly in a position to use Linux and I refuse to use that putrid joke known as Windows 8.

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            • HimselfNovember 19, 2013 at 10:51 am

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              I am a peculiar person. So everyone tells me. I’m more than willing to make trade-offs if I get what I was after.

              I still use Safari 3 for Mac. It’s ancient as hell, but it allows me to use an ad blocker that’s already massively configured, and also lets me block ANY kind of content (like scripts or images or even entire sites). Besides that, I use a custom stylesheet that gets rid of anything else the ad blocker can’t handle, like those stupid stationary share blocks that sit there like a bug on the screen.

              Also–and this is important to me, since I hate, loathe, despise, and otherwise wish to the deepest pit of Hell, that abortion so hopefully called “artificial intelligence”–Safari 3 has no autocomplete in the search field. (That appeared with Safari 4, and is standard on any “modern” browser.) So I’m not constantly bugged as I type. Autocomplete is like Radar O’Reilly naked and in your face and on crank and wrong. Why did anyone ever think this was a good idea?

              The trade-off is that a lot of javascripts don’t make any sense, so they don’t run. That means, among other things, that SBNation sites don’t work for me anymore. And that’s fine, really. I won’t die. I didn’t go through withdrawal or anything. And I no longer feel even the smallest twinge that maybe I’m helping Markos Moulitsas in his ongoing efforts to clearcut society and erect the progressive strip mall on the bones of a once-healthy cultural ecosystem. But that’s just me.

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              • FriarBobNovember 20, 2013 at 3:12 am

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                Oh yeah, I forgot you mentioned that previously.

                Well I guess we’ll forgive you for using a mac if you keep making brilliant photoshops. :P

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