By the King: A Proclamation, for the Reform of His Defenders Upon the Field of Play
WHEREAS We have taken into Our Royal Consideration the valuable Acquisitions in personnel, secured to Our Crown by the labors of Our most Loyal and Valuable Servant, Mickey, Duc de Loomis; and being desirous, that all Our loving Subjects may avail themselves with all convenient Speed, of the great Benefits and Advantages, which must accrue therefrom to their viewing pleasure; We have thought fit, with the Advice and through the Inspiration of Our Most Loyal Privy Councilor, the Grandmaitre de Wang, to issue this Our Royal Proclamation, hereby to publish and declare to all Our loving Subjects, that We now take upon Ourselves the Title and Duties of Defensive Coordinator of this Our most well-beloved team, the New Orleans Saints.
To that end, We do hereby declare it to be Our Royal Will and Pleasure, that the name of Our erstwhile servant, Stephen, Sieur de Spagnuolo, be stricken from all obelisks and pylons and game-day programs. Let it be spoken no longer, wherever True Patriots of this glorious team of Saints may gather, unto the ending of time.
And in his stead, and to act as duly-appointed Vice-Regent for all his time upon the Field of Play, We do name Jonathan, Chevalier au Milieu, and do charge him to take upon himself responsibility for all Calls, Adjustments, and Strategems necessary for the Discomfiture of Our rivals, according to the design of Our Late Lamented Servant, Gregg, duc de Guillaumes, whose Name is herewith restored to its Former Glory, as well among Our Kingdom as among Our Bandwagons.
And We do further expressly cut to the chase: that Our defense, playing in a fashion of such horrendous Ineptitude, as to induce Shame and Chagrin in every feeling breast, and to write for themselves in the History of Sport, a page of such Infamy that the Heavens Themselves do tremble and seek for Bags, must of necessity gather together their Act, lest the full Weight of Our Wrath fall upon them, and they be brought to condign punishment for their artless and injudicious Service.
Given at Our Court at Metairie the fourth day of November, two thousand and twelve, in the forty-sixth year of Our Reign.
GOD Save the SAINTS.