It’s quiet out there. Too quiet…
Of course, there’s a lot actually going on, what with signings and rookie camps and all, not to mention manufactured controversies and self-seeking publicity stunts. It’s just that almost all of it is going on with other teams. All is quiet on the Metairie front.
So, instead of rounding up the most interesting news and commentary—of which there is at present, as they say in Gert Town, a paucity—let’s start a rumor. The reason Drew Brees and Tom Condon have not been willing to split the difference with the Saints and sign a new contract is that they have another offer. They know that another team is willing to pay Drew the money he wants, and is just itching for the chance to do so.
Which team is it?
It must be a team with enough cap space to work with. It must be a team that has an unsettled quarterback situation—one they have not attemted to address recently through the draft or free agency. Someone keeping a slot open, despite a demonstrable lack of expertise at quarterback. Who could it be?
The answer is: Arizona. The Cardinals have more than 5 times the cap space of the Saints; they’re stuck with a subpar passer in Kevin Kolb, who will not suddenly blossom like Brees did in San Diego; and they have inexplicably made no attempt to resolve this situation (unless you count taking Ryan Lindley in the sixth round, who, yes, I admit, has “Franchise” written all over him in fluorescent paint /sarcasm).
What’s more, they’re heavily invested in this guy named Larry Fitzgerald, who proved he could torch the entire league when he had a good quarterback on his team. He and Drew have played together at the Pro Bowl (Kevin Kolb was unable even to get tickets), and were photographed there having a jolly time. Was Fitzgerald actually recruiting Brees? Was he relaying an offer from the front office—”We’ll match any offer the Saints make, plus 10%”—and is that why Brees looks so happy? Can you prove it isn’t true?
Look, rumors don’t have to make sense. So, how about Toronto? Yeah, as if. No, it’s gotta be Arizona, and Drew is already scoping out real estate: someplace with its own private airstrip so he can make the jump to San Diego on weekends (flight time: 50 minutes). I’m tellin ya, it all adds up. Drew is gone after this year, we’ll be stuck with Chase Daniel, suddenly Payton’s offense will look like a Lingerie League farm team, and the Cardinals will win 57 Super Bowls in a row (with sheer momentum earning them the last 53). And all because you guys wouldn’t listen to me. I am totally unappreciated in my time.
PhilistineMay 14, 2012 at 2:07 pm
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You’re a sad, strange little fan – and you have my pity.
He’s not going to Arizona.
He’s going to Miami, looking to take advantage of all the steady production that Reggie Bush provides. Everyone knows that.
Doc BoudinMay 14, 2012 at 4:52 pm
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You have no idea what you’ve done. Even now, Jeff Duncan and Adam Schefter are citing you as “an unnamed source close to the Saints organization.” ESPN and Fox Sports will have picked this up by this evening. Metairie will be a smoldering ruin by this time tomorrow. At least a dozen suicides on CSC will be laid at your doorstep. Stujo, after changing his pants, will be dominating the Revenge of the Birds message boards, predicting the long, slow decline of Brees and the team’s fortunes. And Drew will start looking into the feasibility of opening another Jimmy John’s in the greater Phoenix area. ALL BECAUSE OF YOU. I hope you’re happy.
HimselfMay 14, 2012 at 5:51 pm
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No, what you REALLY hope is that the power doesn’t go to my head. Just wait until you find out what Payton is up to.
PhilistineMay 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm
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Let me guess – Jacksonville? Since everyone expects him to run – not walk – to the Cowboys, this would be just the kind of ambush he would pull off. No quarterbacks? No receivers? No problem.
stujo4May 14, 2012 at 7:17 pm
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Hey, what’s up… oh sorry. Didn’t realize we were having funerals in here.
Jeff Duncan @JeffDuncanTP
“Reggie Bush tells KSVN in Miami his next goal is to win an NFL rushing title”
Any bold and yet ill-advised predictions?
I’ll get my List published somewhere. For more than 19 minutes, too.
HimselfMay 14, 2012 at 7:34 pm
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It would help if you’d format it properly. Just sayin’.
stujo4May 14, 2012 at 10:46 pm
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That’s the first sayin’ you’ve done on the subject. And in public no less. Thanks, Mr. Editor.
stujo4May 14, 2012 at 10:47 pm
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Somebody shit on the toilet seat too. I am NOT cleaning that up.
PhilistineMay 14, 2012 at 8:35 pm
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“I’ll get my List published somewhere.”
Ask Santa to edit it. I hear he’s very thorough – checks things twice.