It’s quiet out there. Too quiet…
Of course, there’s a lot actually going on, what with signings and rookie camps and all, not to mention manufactured controversies and self-seeking publicity stunts. It’s just that almost all of it is going on with other teams. All is quiet on the Metairie front.
So, instead of rounding up the most interesting news and commentary—of which there is at present, as they say in Gert Town, a paucity—let’s start a rumor. The reason Drew Brees and Tom Condon have not been willing to split the difference with the Saints and sign a new contract is that they have another offer. They know that another team is willing to pay Drew the money he wants, and is just itching for the chance to do so.
Which team is it?
It must be a team with enough cap space to work with. It must be a team that has an unsettled quarterback situation—one they have not attemted to address recently through the draft or free agency. Someone keeping a slot open, despite a demonstrable lack of expertise at quarterback. Who could it be?
The answer is: Arizona. The Cardinals have more than 5 times the cap space of the Saints; they’re stuck with a subpar passer in Kevin Kolb, who will not suddenly blossom like Brees did in San Diego; and they have inexplicably made no attempt to resolve this situation (unless you count taking Ryan Lindley in the sixth round, who, yes, I admit, has “Franchise” written all over him in fluorescent paint
What’s more, they’re heavily invested in this guy named Larry Fitzgerald, who proved he could torch the entire league when he had a good quarterback on his team. He and Drew have played together at the Pro Bowl (Kevin Kolb was unable even to get tickets), and were photographed there having a jolly time. Was Fitzgerald actually recruiting Brees? Was he relaying an offer from the front office—”We’ll match any offer the Saints make, plus 10%”—and is that why Brees looks so happy? Can you prove it isn’t true?
Look, rumors don’t have to make sense. So, how about Toronto? Yeah, as if. No, it’s gotta be Arizona, and Drew is already scoping out real estate: someplace with its own private airstrip so he can make the jump to San Diego on weekends (flight time: 50 minutes). I’m tellin ya, it all adds up. Drew is gone after this year, we’ll be stuck with Chase Daniel, suddenly Payton’s offense will look like a Lingerie League farm team, and the Cardinals will win 57 Super Bowls in a row (with sheer momentum earning them the last 53). And all because you guys wouldn’t listen to me. I am totally unappreciated in my time.