Daily Special, August 14, 2012

16

 

 

I can’t believe this has happened. Two preseason games already over with, roster starting to take shape, regular season less than a month away, excitement ratcheting upward, and I couldn’t give a shit. Oh, you noticed?

Hey, I’m only human. And this is all part of Roger Goodell’s nefarious plan. Since the beginning of the year, he’s been telling the owners to just hang loose, everything will be fine, it’s a long game and by the fourth quarter the defense will have no legs left. Well, it’s the fourth quarter, and my legs are shot.

I don’t really care that the Louisiana State Police have effectively exonerated the Saints on wiretapping charges. I knew last April that it was all bullshit. So did everybody, even Roger. See, Goodell knew all along that as soon as training camps started to heat up, as soon as the crack of colliding concussion-preventers began sounding from fields all across North America, football fans everywhere would start getting with the program. Scandals and controversies are fine during the offseason; but they can’t share the screen when Our Nation’s Most Powerful Sport begins to stir from its slumber. It even works on Saints fans…how else could Travaris Cadet be trending above Roger Goodell? Imagine a conversation in 1938: “Martha, I’m telling you, forget Adolf Hitler! The man who will have the greatest influence on the world in the coming decade is none other than Claude R. Wickard. Book it!”

And Roger knew this would happen. There is only so much a body can take. It’s like the Stockholm syndrome: hold America hostage long enough, and it will start begging for Browns vs. Jaguars. Anything, please, just make it stop.

This is how bad it is: the three best blogs out there right now are Moosedenied, AngryWhoDat, and SaintsWin. At this moment, all of them have fresh, tender, flavorful posts, and I can’t read them. Can’t. I’ve tried, and just can’t get into them. I feel like Larry, complaining about word count while my brain bounces around inside my skull trying desperately to escape. This is Wang’s latest:

Chances are you’ve already forgotten, but at some point late last week, the Saints and Patriots hooked up and partied like it was 1981.

In what’s sure to be remembered as an epic battle for the ages, Steve Grogan, Mosi Tatupu and the Patriots barely outpunched Dave Wilson, Toussqint Tyler qnd the visiting Sqints, coming qwqy with q vcintillqting 7-6 vixtorh qfter 60 qbvolutely riveting minutev of prkvkqvon BFL qction qt itv vk3y finkvt. O3 vo&kthizg. zow lkt’v zkvk3 vpkqk of it qgqiz.

Please, bartender…I need a wide receiver screen. No more words. Or make them short. Make them quick. I know: James Varney has some quick takes from the Saints practice:

Safety Malcolm Jenkins and cornerback Patrick Robinson both intercepted quarterback Drew Brees on nifty plays. Jenkins, playing much closer to the line of scrimmage but most downs under towards new scheme of closing coordinator Steve Function, made a betwixt estimator on Brees luminosity rang middle. Jenkins, who connived an addendum in the Saints flugenhafen greenish voudrais friendly xiàng словарь 黑匣子 बहुव्रीहि …

(Must…care…)

Stock watch! Thank you, Pat Y! Here’s what’s going on in training camp right now. Christ Ivory’s stock is falling, but so is Hakeem Nicks of the Falcons, whereas Courtney Love’s is rising due to the injury to Arrington, Va.

Goddamn! Somebody do something! Jump offsides! Unabated to the quarterback! Five yards, loss of down, number 95 is disquantified. My god, I just figured it out: football has become politics! No more, please: can we just jump forward to the part where America goes bankrupt and has to sell its air force to Peru for bus money? Can we just cut to the trophy presentation in the Dome in February? I hardly even care which team hoists it anymore. Just so long as it’s not the Panthers. Or the Falcons. Or, you know, the Buccaneers, or the Cowboys, or the God-help-us Eagles. Or the Patriots, Jets, Bills, Dolphins, Steelers, Ravens, Browns, Bengals, Titans, Colts, Jaguars, Texans, Raiders, Broncos, Chiefs, Chargers, 49ers, Rams, Cardinals, Seahawks, Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings, Giants, or Redskins. I don’t ask for much. I just want a Lombardi Trophy right now, without any of that intervening crap. And a drink. And a long, long rest.

I’m thinking of asking Larry to become a guest contributor. What’s the consensus on this?

On the Jukebox

Okay, Roger, I’ll deal. What do you want? I’ll give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind.

Posted by Himself in Daily Specials | 16 comments

16 Comments

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  • metrymanAugust 14, 2012 at 11:06 am

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    Brilliant, Himself, but this is the umpteenth time I’ve heard the phase “Stockholm Syndrome”
    this week, from a few other sources.

    I had to go look it up again, to see if the definition changed

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  • GSO Saints FanAugust 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm

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    Himself, I’m with you on the whole “just shut the fuck up and give us our damn trophy” thing. The whole drink (Fuller’s London Porter, if you please) & a good nap sound as well.

    As for Larry, someone needs to clean the toilets at closing time…and muck the stalls too. He seems to be qualified for shit(head) duties.

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  • WangAugust 14, 2012 at 12:39 pm

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    Oh sack up already. ;)

    I confess, you did make me immediately drop everything and go check to make sure I didn’t type “Toussqint”

    Then I came back, kept reading, and saw what you were doing there.

    Believe me, I can definitely sympathize with burnout. But now is not the time for that. You’ll sleep when you’re dead. Or in March. Whichever comes first.

    It ain’t the destination, it’s the journey. I can put that on a tee shirt and ship it to you if need be.

    Meantime, scru Larry. I’m sure it must be pretty loud with him banging on all the doors and windows and DEMANDING to be let back in, 24/7. I feel for ya, having to endure all that. But surely it’s good for business not having That Guy hopping from stool to stool just BEGGING your other patrons to punch him in the face.

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    • Breesus Christ SuperstarAugust 14, 2012 at 1:40 pm

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      Agreed.

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    • HollywooAugust 14, 2012 at 7:29 pm

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      If “Larry” is who I think he is, the fact that he’s not here is the only reason I am. I don’t get along well with cocksuckers. Especially Kansas City Cocksuckers.

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  • The Angry Who DatAugust 14, 2012 at 5:05 pm

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    Who’s Larry?

    I love what you did with those two quotes. Not many blogs out there with legitimate special effects departments. Impressive.

    I’m quite sure you also are the first to link the word “tender” to my website. Not sure how I feel about that. But I did get three google hits for Durr Gumbo Gumbo Crawdad Gumbo, which I’m a little too proud of.

    Hang on, Himself. Real football’s almost here.

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    • The Angry Who DatAugust 14, 2012 at 5:07 pm

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      I should be able to edit my own post. There’s a good segue for that third paragraph, but I missed it, and now it’s a big non sequitir. And I just have to live with that? Not cool.

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  • AcadieAugust 14, 2012 at 6:20 pm

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    Okay, I’m the only one who doesn’t know who Claude Wickard is? That’s what a public high school education gets ya, I guess. Maybe the rest of you guys are just too embarassed to admit it. Where is the helpful link to a bio, for us ignorant folks?

    Browns versus Jaguars! Oh God no. Surely it won’t come to that. Anything but that. I don’t know if I can stand to watch us play the Jags this week either…

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    • HimselfAugust 14, 2012 at 8:34 pm

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      You don’t want to see the Saints sack Blaine Gabbert four times and intercept him twice on the same play? Me, I can hardly wait.

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  • HimselfAugust 14, 2012 at 8:54 pm

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    AngryWhoDat:

    I accidentally deleted one of your comments. Well, not actually me: I loaded another plug-in that supposedly allows you to edit your comments. And I tried one of the buttons and apparently that icon meant “Make this comment inexplicably vanish.” So it’s gone…but maybe you got the ability to edit out of all this. Give it a try.

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    • HimselfAugust 14, 2012 at 9:13 pm

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      Once again, I write too soon. Apparently the editor is only working for me. And I only flagged your post for moderation, so it should be coming back.

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      • HimselfAugust 14, 2012 at 9:32 pm

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        Okay, so much for that. The stupid thing would only work if you selected “Allow users to edit comments indefinitely,” which ain’t a good way to conduct a conversation. Once again, WordPress plugin developers step on their own dicks. Are they all auditioning for Microsoft?

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  • Dave CarielloAugust 14, 2012 at 9:36 pm

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    the three best blogs out there right now are Moosedenied, AngryWhoDat, and SaintsWin.

    This is why I’m so over it. CSC has become meaningless and will continue to be passed up with me a the helm.

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    • HimselfAugust 14, 2012 at 10:14 pm

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      No…I don’t consider CSC to be a blog. It’s a community forum, not a one-man take on things. Don’t be sensitive, Dave…it makes it too hard for me to be insensitive.

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      • GSO Saints FanAugust 14, 2012 at 11:35 pm

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        Exactly, CSC is a clearinghouse, not a one-man show. Dave, you’re the MC, ringleader, HMFWIC, and all-around mensch that keeps the Saints info-bus between the ditches. Heck I don’t even agree with you a significant portion of the time (the Saints are getting hosed), but I totally respect the work you do at CSC, while still running a business and still finding time to be a family man.

        You’re not a blogger, you’re far more than that.

        As for Himself and his insensitivity, screw that asshole. He just wishes he was Jeff Duncan.

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  • saintslamAugust 14, 2012 at 11:33 pm

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    Everyone just get it together! This is no time for burnout. This is the beginning of the best season ever.

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