Daily Special, August 14, 2012
16 Posted on August 14th, 2012 by Himself
I can’t believe this has happened. Two preseason games already over with, roster starting to take shape, regular season less than a month away, excitement ratcheting upward, and I couldn’t give a shit. Oh, you noticed?
Hey, I’m only human. And this is all part of Roger Goodell’s nefarious plan. Since the beginning of the year, he’s been telling the owners to just hang loose, everything will be fine, it’s a long game and by the fourth quarter the defense will have no legs left. Well, it’s the fourth quarter, and my legs are shot.
I don’t really care that the Louisiana State Police have effectively exonerated the Saints on wiretapping charges. I knew last April that it was all bullshit. So did everybody, even Roger. See, Goodell knew all along that as soon as training camps started to heat up, as soon as the crack of colliding concussion-preventers began sounding from fields all across North America, football fans everywhere would start getting with the program. Scandals and controversies are fine during the offseason; but they can’t share the screen when Our Nation’s Most Powerful Sport begins to stir from its slumber. It even works on Saints fans…how else could Travaris Cadet be trending above Roger Goodell? Imagine a conversation in 1938: “Martha, I’m telling you, forget Adolf Hitler! The man who will have the greatest influence on the world in the coming decade is none other than Claude R. Wickard. Book it!”
And Roger knew this would happen. There is only so much a body can take. It’s like the Stockholm syndrome: hold America hostage long enough, and it will start begging for Browns vs. Jaguars. Anything, please, just make it stop.
This is how bad it is: the three best blogs out there right now are Moosedenied, AngryWhoDat, and SaintsWin. At this moment, all of them have fresh, tender, flavorful posts, and I can’t read them. Can’t. I’ve tried, and just can’t get into them. I feel like Larry, complaining about word count while my brain bounces around inside my skull trying desperately to escape. This is Wang’s latest:
Chances are you’ve already forgotten, but at some point late last week, the Saints and Patriots hooked up and partied like it was 1981.
In what’s sure to be remembered as an epic battle for the ages, Steve Grogan, Mosi Tatupu and the Patriots barely outpunched Dave Wilson, Toussqint Tyler qnd the visiting Sqints, coming qwqy with q vcintillqting 7-6 vixtorh qfter 60 qbvolutely riveting minutev of prkvkqvon BFL qction qt itv vk3y finkvt. O3 vo&kthizg. zow lkt’v zkvk3 vpkqk of it qgqiz.
Please, bartender…I need a wide receiver screen. No more words. Or make them short. Make them quick. I know: James Varney has some quick takes from the Saints practice:
Safety Malcolm Jenkins and cornerback Patrick Robinson both intercepted quarterback Drew Brees on nifty plays. Jenkins, playing much closer to the line of scrimmage but most downs under towards new scheme of closing coordinator Steve Function, made a betwixt estimator on Brees luminosity rang middle. Jenkins, who connived an addendum in the Saints flugenhafen greenish voudrais friendly xiàng словарь 黑匣子 बहुव्रीहि …
Stock watch! Thank you, Pat Y! Here’s what’s going on in training camp right now. Christ Ivory’s stock is falling, but so is Hakeem Nicks of the Falcons, whereas Courtney Love’s is rising due to the injury to Arrington, Va.
Goddamn! Somebody do something! Jump offsides! Unabated to the quarterback! Five yards, loss of down, number 95 is disquantified. My god, I just figured it out: football has become politics! No more, please: can we just jump forward to the part where America goes bankrupt and has to sell its air force to Peru for bus money? Can we just cut to the trophy presentation in the Dome in February? I hardly even care which team hoists it anymore. Just so long as it’s not the Panthers. Or the Falcons. Or, you know, the Buccaneers, or the Cowboys, or the God-help-us Eagles. Or the Patriots, Jets, Bills, Dolphins, Steelers, Ravens, Browns, Bengals, Titans, Colts, Jaguars, Texans, Raiders, Broncos, Chiefs, Chargers, 49ers, Rams, Cardinals, Seahawks, Bears, Packers, Lions, Vikings, Giants, or Redskins. I don’t ask for much. I just want a Lombardi Trophy right now, without any of that intervening crap. And a drink. And a long, long rest.
I’m thinking of asking Larry to become a guest contributor. What’s the consensus on this?
On the Jukebox
Okay, Roger, I’ll deal. What do you want? I’ll give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind.