Beneath the Valley of Mock Draft



First round draft pick? We don't need no stinking first round draft pick. Here's how we can clean up by trading out of the top round altogether. Are you paying attention, PayLoo?


Draft fever: highly infectious. Characterized by impaired cognition, and restlessness that at times approaches frenzy. Also extreme thirst, but I have that covered.

So you enjoyed the last mock, did you? No thanks are necessary, I know you did. But that draft was so…last weekend. I have a brand new one, and this one is guaranteed to be even less plausible.

Just as the last one was predicated on a trade, so is this one. But in our new scenario, Chris Ivory is still in black and gold (which means you get a ring this year, Chris, unless you fuck up and get cut). What happens is that Jim Harbaugh, in the lightness of his heart, thinking his team is the finest in the league already and he might as well swing for the fences and draft Sure Things, decides to trade up in the first to select Xjdhiso Umnsb73y! (Just exactly who isn’t important…it’s the attitude that makes a San Francisco trade-up just the tiniest bit believable.)

As always, Mickey is on the case. Using our handy dandy draft chart, we see that the Saints’ selection at #15 is worth a total of 1050 points. Obviously, it’s going to cost the 49ers quite a bit to jump up 15 spaces…and the World’s 2nd Greatest Harbaugh starts having second thoughts. No way he’s giving up the #31 pick, plus his first pick in the second round, which falls at #34.

But Mickey’s cool, and determined, and offers a radical notion: the Saints will trade all the way out of the first round. That’s right, San Francisco, you get to keep your 31st pick, and you get the 15th as well. The rich just keep getting richer, don’t they? And all it’s going to cost you is your two 2nd-rounders (34 and 63), and your first pick in the 3rd (74)

Do the math. Those picks add up to 1056 points. Mickey makes up the difference by offering to get Trent Baalke laid the next time he’s in town.

And who cares who the 49ers add? Even if they had every pick in the first round, they’re still going to implode this year. (Where’s the Accountability Index when you need it?)

So. This is all about the Saints, and how we can improve the team; and we do that by multiplying picks and drafting the guys we wanted anyway, just more of them.

2nd Round, Pick #34
Terron Armstead, OT, Arkansas-Pine Bluff
Hello, Terron. Remember me? The guy who wants to turn you into a tight end? I know you said the right thing: You just want to get drafted, you don’t care who it is, it’s an honor to play in the NFL, natter natter natter. And the whole time, your head was filled with visions of slam-dunking the ball over the crossbar. You know it was.

Well, here’s your chance. You’ve just been drafted by the one man in the NFL who’s dedicated to squeezing every drop of offensive goodness out of his players. Lucky you.

2nd Round, Pick #63
Jamie Collins, OLB, Southern Mississippi
Collins started getting more attention weeks ago, but now it’s really picking up momentum. Everyone is saying “Hey, and don’t forget about Jamie Collins, either,” and then they forget about him. I’m really not sure he’ll last this long. But if he does…what the hell, all you pass rush addicts, you got your guy after all. See? You were screaming and throwing bottles at the TV when you heard that Mickey backed out of the first fucking round entirely! but you still wound up happy. Because Mickey knows more than you do.

3rd Round, Pick #74
Brandon Williams, NT, Missouri Southern
If you want to run the 3-4, you need more than one solid nose tackle. Personally, I’m not convinced Brodrick Bunkley is the man for the job; so even if Akiem Hicks stays in the middle, he’ll need a backup. Williams is the best available.

3rd Round, Pick #75
Tyrann Matthieu, Honey Badger, LSU
Ah, yes, Honey Badger is climbing. By taking Matthieu here, we guarantee that he will never face us in an Atlanta uniform unless we cut him first. And I don’t expect that to happen, because Matthieu really does seem to be reformed. Why else would he openly admit failing so many drug tests when his future is on the line? What’s that? Because he’s stupid? Yeah, but he’s quick. And honey badgers aren’t required to be smart…just relentless, and lucky. After all he’s been through, Matthieu is going to be drafted into the NFL. That’s big-time lucky. I say we hop on board and ride it for as long as it lasts.

4th Round, Pick #109
Chris Faulk, OT, LSU
What, another tackle!? What is this, deja vu? Well…yeah, actually. What’s your point?

Like I wrote in the last mock: drafting two solid tackles in the same year isn’t a bad idea, considering that it’s the outside of our line that’s shaky. Besides: one of them might be a tight end. And I’ll drink as much as I want to. You’re not the boss of me.

5th Round, Pick #144
T.J. McDonald, S, USC
More deja vu.

6th Round, Pick #183
Sean Renfree, QB, Duke
And…more deja vu. So I like these picks. You wanted me to hate them? You wanted me to take back what I wrote in an earlier post? You think this is all just fiction? You think I’m just making this up?

Nope. I believe in what I’m doing. I mean, I believe in Mickey. In Mickey I trust. When Mickey pulls off this trade, and drafts these players, and Terron Armstead teams with Jimmy Graham to form the most unbelievable tight end duo in NFL history, and Jamie Collins records ten sacks, and Tyrann Mathieu make eight interceptions, forces five fumbles, runs back 3 punts for touchdowns, and Sean Renfree gets to kneel down in a record 16 games this season, you will all be lining up to have Mickey’s baby.

Which, for half of you at least, is downright disgusting. No sweat…I hear Trent Baalke’s available.

Edit 4-17: Just found this on Yahoo, from San Francisco contributor Grant Cohn:

This is exactly what the San Francisco 49ers should do in the upcoming draft, which starts Thursday, April 25.

1. Trade up with the Dallas Cowboys, who own the 18th pick, and draft cornerback Desmond Trufant from Washington. The 49ers have 14 picks, but only six or seven rookies will make the team. So the 49ers need to consolidate picks – trade up, or trade for picks in next year’s draft. First, they should trade up. They should give up one of their second-round picks -No.34 – and both of their third-round picks – No. 74 and No. 93 – to the Cowboys for Dallas’ first-round pick.

This is exactly the strategy—and the reasons for it—that I envisioned. Not too many draftees are going to make the 49ers’ roster (I’d say that “six or seven” is way too optimistic), so Baalke and Harbaugh should “swing for the fences” and try to add a few top-quality players who have a chance to make a contribution. And it’s just as likely, perhaps more so, that they’d deal with New Orleans as with Dallas. So there are people on the other end who are thinking along the same lines.

Posted by Himself in 2013 Draft, Silly Shit | 1 comment

1 Comment

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  • HollywooApril 16, 2013 at 10:10 pm

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    Besides, the Honey Badger just don’t give a fuck…

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