An Interview With Drew Brees
8 Posted on July 5th, 2012 by Himself
Since this is the slowest period, news-wise, of the entire offseason, it’s a good time to institute what I hope will become an ongoing feature at WhoDatSocialClub. For our first one-on-one player interview, we’re proud to feature none other than Mr. Franchise himself, Saints quarterback Drew Brees. Drew was gracious enough to speak with us from his lovely home in uptown New Orleans.
DREW: Yeah, babe, be there in a minnute. Gotta do something here first. Where is that…
HIMSELF: We’re here with Drew Brees, who hopefully can shed some light on when he expects to be back in the fold with the New Orleans Saints. Drew, what can you tell us about this?
DREW: Oh, man, that’s weird. [raises voice] Hey babe, the toaster is picking up the radio! [normal voice] Man, I’ve heard about stuff like this…
HIMSELF: No, Drew, it’s not a radio program. I’m here to ask you about your contract situation with the Saints.
DREW: Wait a minute…Hold on, are you serious? Did you, did you put a bug in my toaster?
HIMSELF: A microphone, yes. And a miniaturized speaker, of course, otherwise you wouldn’t—
DREW: No way, man.
HIMSELF: —be able to hear on your end. So, tell us about the contract.
DREW: Tell you about the contract? How about I let the cops tell you about the contract? I’m calling 911, man.
DREW: Right now, dude. This is not funny. Hello?
DREW: Hey, is this 911? Hello?
HIMSELF: No, Drew, it’s me. Can we talk about your relationship with the team and Mickey Loomis?
DREW: Oh, not cool! Not cool! You can’t just take over my cell phone like that!
HIMSELF: You’d rather talk to the toaster?
DREW: It’s not a matter of what I talk to! This is my home, man! This is my family’s home! You can’t just come in here and start taking over my appliances!
HIMSELF: Well, apparently I can, actually. But it’s all in a good cause. Uh, Drew, could you turn off the phone? I’m getting feedback.
HIMSELF: Thanks, that’s better. Now, if you’ve been reading newspaper accounts of the contract negotiations, you may have noticed that support for you in the community has remained strong, yet there is still a sizeable faction that blames you for the situation and says you’ve gotten greedy. That you’re not serious about being all for the team. What do you say to that?
[Drew's wife Brittany enters the conversation at this point]
BRITTANY: Drew? Sweetie? What’s going on? It sounds like you’re talking to someone.
DREW: Yeah, I’m talking to someone, all right. I’m…you…you’re not going to believe this. Listen. So I’m greedy, huh? I’m greedy? You know what I say to that?
BRITTANY: Sweetie, I never said you were greedy—
DREW: No, babe, it’s not you, it’s…it’s, there’s this guy, oh man…
BRITTANY: Is there something wrong with the toaster?
DREW: Something wrong? Yeah, there’s something wrong! Say something!
DREW: I don’t believe this. Not cool.
BRITTANY: Drew, I’m going to bed. Let me know when your toast is done.
DREW: Not cool, man. Not cool.
HIMSELF: What’s not cool?
DREW: Oh, now you talk. As soon as my wife thinks I’m losing it, you pipe up again.
HIMSELF: You know how this works.
DREW: No…I…how, how, how what works? Being interviewed by a toaster? No, I don’t know how that works! What are you gonna do next, put a bug in my toilet?
HIMSELF: Bathrooms actually have pretty terrible acoustics, Drew. Lamps are a good option.
HIMSELF: Like bedroom lamps. I can speak through several lamps. Testing, testing…
DREW: Not cool. Not cool.
HIMSELF: I’m sorry, Drew, but what else am I going to do? You don’t answer your phone. And I don’t use Twitter—not that you do either, unless it has something to do with Jimmy John’s.
DREW: Hey, leave Jimmy John’s out of this!
HIMSELF: Believe me, I’d like to.
DREW: Yeah, well, just do it. There’s nothing wrong with Jimmy John’s.
HIMSELF: In the land of po-boys? Drew, think: A barbecued shrimp po-boy, or a turkey club on whole wheat? I mean, please.
DREW: Look, I’m just filling a demand.
HIMSELF: A lot of people make that same excuse, Drew. Hookers, crack dealers, Democrats…
DREW: I haven’t done anything I’m ashamed of!
HIMSELF: Drew, opening a Jimmy John’s in New Orleans is like taking an inflatable love doll home to meet the parents.
DREW: Hey, can we just stay on subject here? Oh, man, I can’t believe I said that…
HIMSELF: Sure. Let’s get back to the contract impasse. Will there be any lingering bitterness on either side over how long this has taken?
DREW: Look, if I give you an interview, will you just go away? I mean, uh… [sighs] Look, just tell me where all the bugs are, I’ll get rid of them myself. Deal?
HIMSELF: Sure, Drew. That’s all I ever wanted. And I’m doing this for the fans, for your adoring public, and I don’t say that ironically.
DREW: Yeah, my fans. I have my fans to thank for this. My fans.
HIMSELF: Your fans. They want to know what’s going on. They want to feel some assurance that you’re returning to the Saints, that you’ll play this year, that the team has a credible shot at another title. And considering the circumstances, there are probably very few of them who wouldn’t put a bug in your toaster, given the opportunity.
DREW: Okay. All right, so, you want to know if there’s going to be any…what? “Lingering bitterness”? No, not on my part. I realize this is a business, Mickey’s got his position, we’ve got ours, it’s like any other business negotiation. It’s just that it’s more public. When we opened Jimmy John’s—
DREW: —nobody cared about the negotiations over leases, over equipment—
HIMSELF: —nobody still cares, Drew. Saints. Keep it to the Saints.
DREW: Hey, what can I say? I’ll be back. We’re all focused on the ultimate goal, which is bringing home another Super Bowl title. Everything’s going to be cool. There’s no need to get excited, go to extremes, do extreme things with other people’s appliances.
HIMSELF: You make it sound kinky.
DREW: Yeah, well…your words, man, your words.
HIMSELF: Drew, can you tell us anything we don’t already know? And can you say anything on the subject not couched in careful PR-speak? I mean, you’re human. Hell, you’re reputed to be quite the alpha male, surely there’s some element of wanting to kick Tom Benson’s ass in public. Did you know about the bounties?
DREW: I can’t get into that, dude. I still have to…wait, what? The bounties? There were no bounties, it was just a performance pool, and while that’s a violation of the rules it’s not something so serious that crippling sanctions should have been levied against the team.
HIMSELF: Drew, are you reading from something?
DREW: The league offices had already drawn their conclusion before the process of investigation even started. Instead of simply gathering facts and allowing those facts to point toward the truth, the league came to a conclusion first and tried to fit its conclusion to the alleged facts.
HIMSELF: You sound like you’re reading from notes.
DREW: Yeah, well…you never know when you’ll get interviewed by a toaster.
HIMSELF: Seriously, you carry around notes? In your house?
DREW: Was there anything else you wanted to talk about? I’d really like to get to bed.
HIMSELF: No, I guess that about wraps it up on our end. Let me throw it back to you: is there anything else you’d like to say to your fans?
DREW: Yeah, the first person who admits he put a bug in my toaster gets a free Totally Tuna at Jimmy John’s on Veterans in Metairie. Be there with us this weekend when I break all your fingers with a baseball bat.
HIMSELF: Drew. You going to bring the wood at me?
HIMSELF: That could probably be construed as a threat, Drew. Could that be construed as a threat?
WARDELL C. SHIKEPOKE: I believe the gentleman’s words could be considered actionable.
DREW: Who’s that? Who the hell is that?
HIMSELF: That’s my attorney.
DREW: You have your attorney present for interviews?
HIMSELF: Well…wouldn’t you?